I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
