the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
