I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You smell like stripper and shame
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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