Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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