They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
