I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
