barbara walters just said penis...
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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