Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
