My cat gives me a boner
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
