I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
