I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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