I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
