My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
