based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
