I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
