wanna go halves on a baby?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
