im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Let's get the cat blown out
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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