I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
