he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
