Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize