im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
