He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
