I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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