They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Can you bring me the toilet please
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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