If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
