Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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