Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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