Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
