a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
