I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
