there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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