I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
