i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
