if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
