I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
