Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
