Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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