im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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