True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
