Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
