Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Randomize
