I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
