Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
