by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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