do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
