I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
