I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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