Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
