omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
