I think my vagina is haunted
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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