Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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