I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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